Two personal posts in a row, it must be something in the air! Actually, this week’s prompt, Sad, for Wicked Wednesday, is very apropos. Even since the clocks moved forward an hour 10 days ago, I’ve been struggling with depression.
There are two definitions of ‘Sad’. ORIGIN: Old English sæd ‘sated, weary,’ also ‘weighty, dense,’ of Germanic origin; related to Dutch zat and German satt, from an Indo-European root shared by Latin satis ‘enough.’ The original meaning was replaced in Middle English by the senses ‘steadfast, firm’ and ‘serious, sober,’ and later ‘sorrowful.’ It also is an abbreviation for “seasonal affective disorder”, which is something many people who grew up in northern latitudes suffer.
For me though, being depressed doesn’t mean sadness. It’s more feeling empty; no emotion, no desire, no cares. Strangely enough though, it doesn’t impact me when I’m working, only when I’m at home; but that is when I have time to write. Which I am not. Writing.
The best expression of how depression feels is in this poem I wrote over a decade ago.
“D is for Depression”
it’s called the blues
not the music
but the soul
crushing despair
despair that grabs hold
and lingers
like a fungus
that grows on the tiles
in the bathroom of hell
you try bleach
you try scrubbing
til your fingers bleed
but it keeps
coming
back
over and over again
it’s called the blues
Spank Me Hard! ... Please? 
Nicely penned.
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Please don’t beat yourself up about not writing. We both know that depression isn’t conducive to creativity – or not ours, anyway. It can’t be forced because it just causes more anxiety.
I sympathise greatly with that feeling of emptiness. Mine forms as a kind of stasis; I might sit in one place for three hours and stare at nothingness. There’s something about the contemptible familiarity of home which amplifies the feelings, I think. As a rule (with only an odd exception), my worst experiences occur at home, too.
Thank you for sharing your poem. It exemplifies those feelings of the endless, lurking horror that depression is.
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This is a really moving poem and I appreciate your open honesty. I hope that you are back to feeling more soon and are less empty – hugs xx
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Hugs, my friend. Hope the fog lifts soon ❤
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Sending you lots of hugs… lots. Don’t push yourself too hard, but take the time that is needed to heal.
Rebel xox
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You mentioned the clock changing for daylight saving time – could that be an issue? Do you need more sleep? (Yes, I know we all do, but maybe it’s a double whammy at this time?)
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Please be thankful that you are still alive and breathing…. People get diognosed with horrendous diseases every day…. I happen to be one of those people…
I wake up every morning happy and grateful to still be alive and functioning the best way possible 🙆
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