Justify my shame

We all have addictive personalities to some extent. It used to be thought that addiction was a moral failing found most often in the lower classes. Abuse of alcohol and drugs were the reasons that the poor stayed poor and uneducated due to bad blood. Studies have found though that addiction is 50% genetic and 50% poor coping skills. Because of the social stigma attached to addiction, most people don’t seek help until it’s too late. Even if assistance is available, the shame that is drilled into us by parents, teachers and religious institutions, make the guilt so overwhelming that most addicts believe they deserve to suffer.

Addiction vulnerability is the genetic, physiological, or psychological predisposition to engage in addictive behaviors. Source: Wikipedia

For a long time, too long, I considered my need for D/s and spanking to be an addiction; thus shameful and the ultimate source of my guilt. I justified that need by saying to myself, I could stop at any time, it was only words and pictures. It wasn’t like I was actually hurting anyone.

That all started to change twelve years ago when I crawled up out of my self-imposed and self-created oubliette. When I began blogging—for non-D/s reasons—I gradually connected with many others who enjoyed spanking and BDSM and weren’t shy about stating their interest.

I discovered healthier ways of coping with my needs and today, I can finally state with conviction, that my need to spank and dominate is not shameful or weak or perverted. I am not addicted to D/s: D/s makes me a better person by holding myself accountable for my actions towards others.

I can give respect to all my readers and friends, because I can now be respectful towards my own desires. I want to spank. I want to be a Dom. There is no longer any reason to justify my shame.


  1. Aww I love this LS. It is great to be able to celebrate openly something which has been hidden away for a long time, and it is encouraging to others who may not feel completely comfortable with it yet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, missy. I owe a lot of my growth to people like you who have demonstrated how D/s should actually work. Reading about the day-to-day struggles made me realize that seeking perfection was holding me back.

      Liked by 1 person

      • You have helped me in equal measure and I am grateful for your support and friendship.


  2. Oh, where to start on this one? It’s lovely to read about this aspect of your journey, and seeing how positive you are about D/s and spanking now.

    This made me think a lot about how I’ve seen myself as a sub in recent years. Fighting even the recognition of it went on for decades; I was in rebellion—many people expected me to submit to a lot of things, and I was determined to prove I was second best to no-one, because this is how I saw submission. Recognition of my submissive nature grew in a D/s environment of threats and fear, and the shame left me silent to almost everyone. It’s taken a long time, and a lot of hard work with a great deal of love and support, to get to a position where I understand that my submission is a gift to my Dom, that love transcends fear, and that—and this was a big one for me—that spanking isn’t “hitting”, and it’s not something I need to be terrified of. With the shame and guilt lifted, I am a very different person and, I hope, a better sub.


    • Thank you, Ina, for being by my side the entire time as a fellow author, friend, editor and all around great sub. A Dom and sub grow together, feeding off the good, analyzing the bad and acknowledging that flaws and past traumas do not have to ruin the future. I have learned so much in the last year, been published, found friends and discovered hope.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Always. I’m going nowhere. ❤️

        You’ve impressed me so much over the course of the last year. I am in awe of your talent, your tenacity and your level-headedness. You have taught me more than I thought possible, in every way.


  3. I love reading about you coming into this realization. I can relate. For many years I had a secret “need”/desire to be dominated but couldn’t even admit it to myself! Once i did I was able to find the courage to admit it to my husband. Maybe if I had come across these blogs sooner, like you, I wouldn’t have to wait so long!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Earlier, later, it doesn’t really matter. D/s is an organic ongoing growth that changes all the time to meets the needs of many. Don’t regret not doing it sooner, you submitted at the correct time for you both.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. First…I had to look up the word oubliette…thank you for increasing my vocabulary!

    And, thank you for bringing attention to this topic. I too felt a great sense of shame for years surrounding my desires. I am comfortable in my own skin now, as they say, but this was a great source of distress in my late teen and early twenty years.

    Lastly, … I want to hear more about you as a Dom! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re welcome, nora. I’m a word freak. Letting go of the woman you used to be, along with the shame, has allowed you to free the inner peace that was waiting quietly.

      I don’t Dom and tell. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is an excellent post. I am an alcoholic, and 21 years ago overcame that addiction.

    I love to masturbate and this is one addiction I do not need to overcome and I am not ashamed to say so. In fact, I don’t consider it an addiction. A year ago, I may not have said this publicly, but blogging has helped me too.

    Liked by 1 person

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