This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “Courage”. It’s been awhile since I wrote an essay, so I wanted to share my thoughts about D/s and courage. There is no doubt that the burden of being courageous seems to mostly fall upon the submissive rather than the dominant in a given relationship. Certainly the blogs and articles I read focus more on the details of submission and on how often there is not enough or not the right kind of dominance at the right time. It takes courage to be in a D/s relationship: I argue on both sides of the paddle and not just when the discipline is taking place. It takes conviction and courage to both receive and give out spankings. The headspace of the Dom gets too little attention.
First off – before I get personal – when I say D/s, that covers every possible type of BDSM and gender combination. As I commented on a recent post of missy’s about the lack of how-to books for married D/s, ‘It’s not exactly like a cookbook. There are too many ingredients. Not to mention temperamental chefs.’ Every single person has a different perspective, expectation and conviction that their BDSM is the correct approach.
Those books that do exist generally concentrate on the female submissive point-of-view. I wanted to talk about being a male Dom and how courage plays into… well, play.
I “Lurv Spanking“. I offer no apology or shame for wanting to spank. It’s my favorite fantasy, my favorite sexual thing to do and I will always want to have a bare bottom over my knee. I’ve only ever spanked female bottoms, but am not adverse to spanking male as well; well, a male bottom other than my own. Yes, I self-spank. It helps me cope with stress and other things. I’m also a sadist, which I did not fully acknowledge in the past. What really turns me on is inflicting pain. Knowing that “it” hurts, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. There is a caveat however to my personal sadism. I need to know up front that the bottom either enjoys receiving pain or is willing to submit and accept punishment as their due. For me, it is a major turn-off and an absolute no-go if the concept of spanking is perceived as abusive by the potential partner. My sadism is fueled by their acceptance, desire and the courage to submit willingly and fully in the moment.
“I know that they know that I know that they know that spanking hurts and they know that I know that they want to be hurt and I know they know I enjoy giving them what they want.”
My second favorite thing to do is to “force” a woman to have multiple orgasms. Not just one or two, but dozens. That’s sadism too. Taking control of her body away. Playing it like a personal instrument. Calling her filthy names and humiliating her by making her scream when she comes and then pointing out she’s a naughty wet slut who needs to be punished. Rewarding her for having the courage to surrender her will and responses by making the pleasure roll on and on until it becomes painful. To then cuddle and care and praise while she recovers and then, with an evil chuckle, bend her back over the knee and order her to beg and plead to have that pain and pleasure happen all over again from the top. That type of submissive courage only happens with honest and frank communication. Not just, “I want to hurt you. OK.” That’s not being honest.
But Doms need courage as well. Especially sadistic ones. The amount of control and of self-discipline needed to plan, execute and deliver a scene no matter how spontaneous, is enormous. Sometimes the responsibility is overwhelming. Courage to accept the reality that their partner[s] need a spanking: want a spanking. Deserve a spanking. Your submissive[s] have the courage to set up rules and regulations that they require in order to fuel their own personal fantasies and cravings. They don’t have to you know. D/s is a choice we all made at some point. We all got to that point from different places. It’s often a leap of faith to even open a discussion about spanking. Mistakes will be made. Anger will be expressed.
Disappointment and disillusionment happen in all D/s relationships. It’s inevitable. Even needed when a reset becomes obvious in hindsight. The reality of ‘power exchanges’ don’t occur from a vacuum. It takes communication and feedback and the ability to confidently lead as a dominant. Even if you’re quaking inside believing you’re not up to the task of leadership.