This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is “Courage”. It’s been awhile since I wrote an essay, so I wanted to share my thoughts about D/s and courage. There is no doubt that the burden of being courageous seems to mostly fall upon the submissive rather than the dominant in a given relationship. Certainly the blogs and articles I read focus more on the details of submission and on how often there is not enough or not the right kind of dominance at the right time. It takes courage to be in a D/s relationship: I argue on both sides of the paddle and not just when the discipline is taking place. It takes conviction and courage to both receive and give out spankings. The headspace of the Dom gets too little attention.
First off – before I get personal – when I say D/s, that covers every possible type of BDSM and gender combination. As I commented on a recent post of missy’s about the lack of how-to books for married D/s, ‘It’s not exactly like a cookbook. There are too many ingredients. Not to mention temperamental chefs.’ Every single person has a different perspective, expectation and conviction that their BDSM is the correct approach.
Those books that do exist generally concentrate on the female submissive point-of-view. I wanted to talk about being a male Dom and how courage plays into… well, play.
I “Lurv Spanking“. I offer no apology or shame for wanting to spank. It’s my favorite fantasy, my favorite sexual thing to do and I will always want to have a bare bottom over my knee. I’ve only ever spanked female bottoms, but am not adverse to spanking male as well; well, a male bottom other than my own. Yes, I self-spank. It helps me cope with stress and other things. I’m also a sadist, which I did not fully acknowledge in the past. What really turns me on is inflicting pain. Knowing that “it” hurts, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. There is a caveat however to my personal sadism. I need to know up front that the bottom either enjoys receiving pain or is willing to submit and accept punishment as their due. For me, it is a major turn-off and an absolute no-go if the concept of spanking is perceived as abusive by the potential partner. My sadism is fueled by their acceptance, desire and the courage to submit willingly and fully in the moment.
“I know that they know that I know that they know that spanking hurts and they know that I know that they want to be hurt and I know they know I enjoy giving them what they want.”
My second favorite thing to do is to “force” a woman to have multiple orgasms. Not just one or two, but dozens. That’s sadism too. Taking control of her body away. Playing it like a personal instrument. Calling her filthy names and humiliating her by making her scream when she comes and then pointing out she’s a naughty wet slut who needs to be punished. Rewarding her for having the courage to surrender her will and responses by making the pleasure roll on and on until it becomes painful. To then cuddle and care and praise while she recovers and then, with an evil chuckle, bend her back over the knee and order her to beg and plead to have that pain and pleasure happen all over again from the top. That type of submissive courage only happens with honest and frank communication. Not just, “I want to hurt you. OK.” That’s not being honest.
But Doms need courage as well. Especially sadistic ones. The amount of control and of self-discipline needed to plan, execute and deliver a scene no matter how spontaneous, is enormous. Sometimes the responsibility is overwhelming. Courage to accept the reality that their partner[s] need a spanking: want a spanking. Deserve a spanking. Your submissive[s] have the courage to set up rules and regulations that they require in order to fuel their own personal fantasies and cravings. They don’t have to you know. D/s is a choice we all made at some point. We all got to that point from different places. It’s often a leap of faith to even open a discussion about spanking. Mistakes will be made. Anger will be expressed.
Disappointment and disillusionment happen in all D/s relationships. It’s inevitable. Even needed when a reset becomes obvious in hindsight. The reality of ‘power exchanges’ don’t occur from a vacuum. It takes communication and feedback and the ability to confidently lead as a dominant. Even if you’re quaking inside believing you’re not up to the task of leadership.
This is a FANTASTIC essay, lurv! Thank you for sharing. There is far too little written from the perspective of the Dom.
Thank you, nora for your praise. Based on the comments, I think that tall, dark and silent seems to be the default Dom. I’m thinking about doing some more essays.
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Well I had wondered about writing on this topic and now I am not. I am glad that you got there before me as I have benefited from your usual clarity in explaining some of the things I find difficult to. Like Nora i find it so helpful to hear from a D point of view too. I have really missed these nuggets of wisdom and am glad to have them back. Thank you xx
Hi, missy. It’s so interesting to me to read your perspective and realize that mine is so different. Clarity is often easier from a distance as you know from prior conversations. I’m trying for my sake to be more open with myself. Thank you for reading.
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I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this. I’ve often spoken to BIKSS about what it’s like from the Dom’s perspective. I recognised early on that it takes quite a fair amount out of BOTH parties, spanker AND spankee, and while we’re (the spankee) the ones ‘suffering’ the blistered bottom, I know that he has just as much ‘anguish’ (at least initially) at knowing he’s the one inflicting the pain – something society has taught and conditioned us never to do to another. While it takes a huge amount of strength to overcome the fear associated with having pain inflicted upon oneself, it is just as daunting to have to face the fact that one has to willingly inflict said pain on another – And do so with most disciplined control. Communication and honesty is definitely the key to such a relationship/dynamic.
You’ve touched on all trigger points here, fondles. It’s so much more than simple discipline. It’s a constant struggle for control. To give just enough in just the right balance at just the right time. It sounds so straightforward to say “I’m going to spank you.” but in reality, it’s 99% mental. The decisions the Dom needs to make take up quite a bit of bandwidth and real life has a way of buffering the process and often locking up. Thanks for commenting as always.
Like others, I want to thank you for writing this and addressing this from the D’s side. My husband is not a talker, so I will never get these kind of views from him, even though I know it must take courage for him to administer pain, and it also excites him. He’s very much the sadist, where I am very much the masochist, and both of those roles take courage, and lots of trust. It’s good reading such a clear piece from the D’s side.
~ Marie xox
Hi, Marie. I am really surprised at the depth and passion of the comments. I almost didn’t post this essay because I wasn’t [and still aren’t] completely satisfied I shared enough. Your perspective shows that communication is not always verbal.
I feel this from the other side. Master C is fair and can be strict but is not naturalky sadistic by nature and yet I absolutely need the pain that only a thorough thrashing delivered by Him can give me. He knows that it is something more than a desire on my part, it is a need and despite His natural inclinations, He administers His discipline for my benefit.
Hi Mòrag. Very valid point. Not all – or even most – Doms are sadists. I would think that most are drawn gradually deeper by their submissive demanding more pain, more thrashing. It takes a special Dom to push past their own inclinations in order to give what their sub needs.
Excellent post – i am a bedroom submissive but did come from your view point as I think it must take a lot of courage to be a good Dom. To know how much pain etc. To care. That all takes courage. I can imagine having someone submit to you can be maybe nerve wracking. You got to get it right for their sake. It is a responsibility. Yes I can see that being a Dom takes some courage 😉