T is for Tormented

Middle English (as both noun and verb referring to the infliction or suffering of torture): from Old French torment (noun), tormenter (verb), from Latin tormentum ‘instrument of torture,’ from torquere ‘to twist.’

Tormented serves as a very ‘good’ word for my recent state of mind. I haven’t written anything in months. Haven’t commented. Haven’t cared about much of anything. For some reason every year I forget how I feel about The Holidays. In simple terms: I hate them.

Beginning before Halloween and lasting until the New Year, all my self-doubt and -loathing get all twisted up with memories and emotions that have never been settled, never mind with any permanent closure. It doesn’t help that my other personalities have different desires; some (as in Rose) love the hype and color and social doings and would be partying every night if I let her. Some of the others that lived before me, and more importantly lived through the trauma, roll their eyes at her and want to stay in their rooms until spring. But, having to work ‘nearly’ full-time in order to keep a roof over our heads and the larder stocked, means that five days a week I have to grit my teeth, force all my feelings back into the closet and do my best to survive. Plus, being my wife’s caretaker can get stressful.

None of that feeds my creativity. I’m never been someone that uses adversity to strive for change. I tend to pull back and curl up into myself. My only escape is to read. Or YouTube; but I won’t blame my depression on that addiction. I/We have always been depressed to some degree, but medication doesn’t work and therapy became a crutch. I don’t really want to be tormented all the time, but I don’t know how to stop.

Lest you think this is self-pity or a ‘woe-is-me’ diatribe… it’s not. Rose slaps me upside the head (well, inside the head. So to speak.) whenever I wallow. As she points out — and I know — there are billions of people on this Earth who can’t fathom the luxury and security of my lifestyle. I just get stuck. Internally. I can counsel someone else quite readily but when it comes to introspection, I suck. I don’t blame anyone. I accept full responsibility for my lack… of many things.

This was not what I intended to write today, but it needs to be said. I write when I feel like it, not to make a living. To some of you, that undoubtably disqualifies me from the Authors Guild, but that’s okay. The pen maybe mightier than the sword, but in my case, at least it doesn’t serve as a tormentum. I’ve got my mind serving that post.

And it is a very, very competent torturer.

D/s is a true partnership between equals who find things that both enjoy in a loving, respectful and most importantly, with honesty in a relationship with full knowledge, consent and trust.

Byron Cane

3 Comments

  1. I have liked the post because I like you and I like your writing and I like reading about you through your writing. Obviously I don’t like the way that you are feeling and wish there was something more which could be done so that you were able to move past some of your torment and get back to the things that you love. It has been a long time and you must be tired but it is good to see you here, even if it isn’t in the capacity that you would like it to be. Love and hugs coming your way xxx

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  2. Hi I have brain 🧠 cancer. It’s called Anaplastic oligodrendroglioma Stage 3 brain cancer which is the highest grade of this particular brain cancer. I INTEND to fight it uninvited brain 🧠 cancer until I draw my last breath. 😀 I’m very determined to be the longest survivor of my particular brain cancer at the Princess Alexandra Hospital in Brisbane Queensland Australia 🇦🇺 I went through being diognised alone. I went through the brain and surgery alone. I went through the many different complications alone and that includes the well over 130 severe seizures that I had after my brain surgery and also because I have severe chemical sensitivities including ALL forms of medical alcohol I had very thick and hard blood crusts on the wound on my head. It took the bra caring Sister to soak the top of my head with cotton wool balls to even get to the sixteen staples that were under the hard blood crust which sometimes uses to drip freshly blood onto my breakfast while I was sitting up to eat ny breakfast 🥣 I didn’t complain as I didn’t see the point of it. I didn’t suffer veca I reduded point blank to be beaten by what was happening to me. I don’t remember how long I was in hospital for abd I never will. It’s in the past so it’s gone forever. Instead of having thirty doses of radiation therapy and chemo that the oncologist didn’t know whether it would work as this particular drug usually isn’t used much. I opted for fifteen DOUBLE doses of radiation therapy whilst in a High Care level nursing home. I was very determined to escape from that horrible place and live alone with some basic help from my Aged Care Package provider. A carer takes me grocery shopping once a fortnight for three hours as I take an hour off my cooking allowance which I DON’T use. I have a person comes into my rented home to do ONE hour of basic cleaning. She changes the sheets on my bed, wipes the shower and handbasin over then she wipes the toilet and mops the floor after it’s been vacuumed. I have NO other help. I was even able to go on a very hectic holiday with my youngest son to beautiful New Zealand . 😀 We travelled 5,000 kilometers in three and a half weeks. We survived a near head on collision 💥 with a semi trailer way up in the Southern Alps in the South Island of New Zealand. Neither driver was at fault butt a STUPID young backpacker who the semi driver had to go onto the WRONG side of the road on a BLIND corner to avoid running over the FOOL. My son and I looked back to see him standing in the large metre deep drain gikding onto his pushbike looking as white as a ghost 👻 with his backpack on his back…… He had absolutely NO sympathy from either myself or my son. He very nearly caused the death of four people and three of them innocent to what VERY NEARLY happened.
    Now I don’t mean to be nasty butt if I can survive what I have gone through then surely you can get your butt into gear and stop walkiwibf in self pity. I always spend Christmas alone so I invited the old man in the first unit to have Christmas lunch with me. He enjoyed his lunch and told me that he really appreciated what I had done for him.
    I’m also on an adult kinky site called Adult Match Maker and I’m enjoying myself and the attention I receive from sexy males aged between 45 and 58. I’m 69 and turn 70 at the end of this year. My star 🌟 sign is Scorpio ♏ lady who is VERY proud how she handles her life especially when she goes to the local Jazz Society events by herself in a taxi 🚖. 😀
    Take care of you and please don’t wallow in self pity butt seek help and be adventurous like I am. 😀 😁

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  3. Hope it’s brightening for you a bit. I’ve been out of touch myself-my mother died late in December after a sketchy December and I went from being a sometime care giver to the familiar emptying the houses that so many in my demographic are eventually tasked with. Not a fan of 2019 so far, let me tell you. Peace.

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Spank you very much

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